It’s about that time of the year when we all wish we were coupled up as we celebrate love. If you are single, before the pressure from everyone around you leads you back to your ex, it’s important to ask yourself a few questions.
If you have been thinking of getting back together with an ex, you’re not alone. Even though you probably broke up for a good reason, human beings crave attachment and comfort. It’s no surprise that you might be considering going back to what feels familiar, or maybe you’ve just realized who you want to have in your life.
My ex and I rekindled our love a few years back. Truth is, I did not ask myself any questions because well…it just happened. Getting into it, however, there were certain things we talked about that ensured this time we worked and worked well.
In all honesty, a breakup doesn’t always have to mean that it’s the end.
But how do you know if you two needed to grow and are now ready to have a healthy, happy relationship or if you’re just tired of being single? How do you know if you should get back with your ex or not?
Here are questions to help you decide if going back to your ex is the right decision for you.
1. Why did you break up in the first place?
Nothing ends without a reason.
Chances are that you will romanticize your past relationship instead of remembering the pain it caused you. The reality however is, we leave relationships for a good reason.
Unless that reason has been completely resolved and you have solutions for preventing it from happening, the same pain and heartache will just come back if you get back together.
Instead of reflecting on the beginning of that relationship and every good moment in between, reflect on the end.
2. Have you truly forgiven your ex?
You might have trust issues, insecurities, built-up resentment, and even in some cases, all of the above. While you will need to discuss the past issues before you decide to give them another shot, do not bring up those past issues in new disagreements that come up in the future.
When you bring up past arguments during new fights, it just means that you are not really over what happened in the past.
It took us around 5 years to find our way back to each other and even though like I mentioned earlier that I didn’t ask myself any questions, the 5 years without any communication worked its magic on both of us. We had truly forgiven each other and just had to verbalize it.
What I’m trying to say is that forgiveness is a process. If you are not there yet, hold off until you are ready.
3. Did you have enough space after the breakup?
The hardest part of getting over the end of a relationship is often because that person was a part of your routine.
Thank God my ex and I didn’t have the same social circle back then because this would have been so hard.
Before you think of getting back with your ex, ask yourself if you have had enough separation to get used to life without your ex.
Not having enough space from your ex prevents you from moving on because you never get a chance to break that “habit.”
If you were in the same circles, try muting or unfollowing them on social media or ask friends to make separate plans without your ex for a while. If you’ve already spent enough time apart and should be moving on by now but can’t, the relationship could be worth trying again.
4. Have you fully discussed the old issues?
This is a must.
If you’re even thinking about rekindling the romance, first have a conversation with your ex about what went wrong and what you don’t want to repeat. Discuss relationship expectations, define your love languages, and talk about what trust and love truly mean to you.
If your ex is quick to sweep things under the carpet or act like it wasn’t a big deal, remember that even the smallest things led to the breakup; they are a big deal. Your feelings should be validated, and you should thoroughly discuss what didn’t work last time to make the relationship work this time.
Be open about what you both truly want out of the relationship and make sure your values align.
5. Are you expecting your ex to be a different person?
Sure, some people change, and we’re all growing (or at least that’s the hope), but here’s the ugly truth: Your ex is still the same person.
If their actions caused the last breakup (like cheating, emotional unavailability, lack of effort, etc.) or just made you unhappy, remember that they’re still the same person, even if the situation or timing is different. If that is the case and you’re still considering getting back together, you should see a lot more change in your ex than just a promise that it will be different this time around. Bottom line: Get back together because you’ve changed (like you’re now truly ready for a relationship), not because you’re hoping that they have.
6. Do you miss the person or just the companionship?
Do you sometimes find yourself mindlessly dialing your ex’s number to share a joke you know they’d find funny or thinking how much you miss the way they laugh? Maybe you miss their stories that went on and on or the way they held your hand when they could tell you were nervous. Or did you only start missing them when your last date sucked or because you’ve been feeling lonely? Maybe you just miss having someone so much that you’re remembering only the good things in your previous relationship. It’s okay to miss those good things, but just because you miss them doesn’t mean they’re worth going back to.
Sometimes, we can feel ashamed to admit we just want to be in a relationship. But craving companionship isn’t a sign of weakness or dependence, it’s human nature
Rekindle the flame if you genuinely miss your ex but not if you just miss the companionship.
7. How do you feel when you’re with them?
It’s easy to get caught up in how you feel about them, but how do you feel about yourself when you’re with them? Feeling safe, secure, lovable, and like your truest self when you’re around your ex is a sign that getting back together might be the right decision.
However, if you feel insecure and jealous or they make you feel lesser than and undeserving, no amount of loneliness is worth feeling like that again.
This is your life, and if your ex did not help you make the most of it back then, they’re not worth wasting time on now.
Remember, you deserve to be happy!