I don’t want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can’t even see it, something that’s drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead.
A few weeks Pastor Andrew Stoeklein died after attempting to take his own life. “A pastor? Of all people?” Probably that’s what you’re thinking. He had been battling depression for quite some time and had even attempted suicide before, but it didn’t work. The second time, well, it did. His is just a story out of the many that came to light. What of the rest of the people of the cloth who are constantly feeling pressured? Do we ever think what could be going through their minds? In the end, for them and many others, the only way out of what they are going through is to end it by simply dying.
Many times we think it is something that is perhaps done by the people of the West. I realize many people at least here, suffer on their own. The pressure to be perfect and act perfect is always on. There is always that constant question, “What will they think of me? What will they say?”
Just yesterday I was talking to my older sister about just how frustrated I feel. What she told me next got me thinking. “Take care not to get depressed,” she said.
I then realized just how easy it is to get into depression…
The other day, a co-worker of mine was having death thoughts. The whole conversation at the time was circling around me telling her how much she has to look forward to in this life. I knew it was stemming from a point of depression, and even as I talked to her that night, I was not sure of what I was saying. Well, thankfully, she came out of it all.
The so-called’psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view i.e, the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.
Before we judge, let’s make a change. No matter how little, just to see the depressed get help before it’s too late. There are always those who are left baring all the pain and hurt.
Let’s be the change.